*Disclaimer*
I'm hoping that whoever reads this will find that I explore all aspects of the Stay-At-Home-Mom "profession" while remaining unbiased. I am in no way trying to purposefully offend any one's decisions, and if I do so, I sincerely apologize. Enjoy with an open mind that we are all entitled to our own opinions. Thanks.
Whoever said "Life is short" is clearly an idiot. The average American life span is 79 years. Does that sound short to you? Could you imagine doing the same thing, everyday for seventy-nine years?
I bring this question up because for the last 9 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days I have been considered, by society, a "Stay-At-Home-Mom" (SAHM), which seems to me more like a life-sentence rather than an option. Don't get me wrong, I am over the moon that I'm lucky enough to see every step of my son's life, but does that honestly warrant such a degrading and mundane title such as SAHM? When I tell people my "occupation" they look at me like I just grew another head as I was speaking to them. One person even had the gull to say "And how's that working out for ya?" What's that supposed to mean? As in, raising my son single-handedly while my husband slaves at work so we can have dinner is something I need to be ashamed of? How's that rash working out for you, by the way {name removed so I can't get sued}.
I say that it's like a sentence because, I'll be honest, it's boring sometimes. It's time-consuming, literally. It's like I'm living the same day; day after day. I used to be a working-mom (as if I don't "work" anymore) while my son spent his days in daycare with his friends. But when the economy tanked, so did my position and I was sent packing, even though it was two weeks until Christmas. Now-a-days, you can find me sitting outside on the back porch in the mornings, with my cup of coffee, watching all the working moms drive their cars to work. I feel a wave of bitterness wash over me as I watch the cars drive out of distance. Why do they still have jobs? What's so great about them? Then my son brightens the storm cloud with a chirpy "Here mom! I picked some flowers. I know how much you love flowers!" In fact, I hate flowers. They are the most useless gift on the planet. The ones he picked aren't flowers anyway, they're weeds. But I can't help but smile and laugh at his thoughfulness and I have a big enough heart not to tell him that flowers are useless. "Thank you, honey. This is the prettiest flower I've ever seen!" I've said the line enough times, that I actually start believing it. I could just see him at my funeral.... ".....and she always loved flowers." Then, I really laugh out loud. And my day begins.
While the other moms are answering phones, filing paperwork, or greeting clients, I am asking my 4-year old to make the decisions that I'm too preoccupied to make; "Cereal or oatmeal? Spongebob or The Wiggles? Sneakers or green boots?" I spend half my day fantasizing about what my life could be like if I hadn't been laid off. I'd be making adult decisions as opposed to "Mr. Bubbles or Transformers soap?" Then I spend the other half feeling guilty that I wasted the first half that could have been spent playing with my son. I try to think the way other SAHMs do. They seem so happy not to be out in the world. They're content with setting up play dates or making cupcakes for their kid's preschool class. Most of them even have college degrees or used to be authority figures in their prior jobs. But now they are happily making grocery lists, scheduling girl scout events, and picking play-dough out of the carpet.
I try to befriend "people like me" but I can't even stand to be in mom-groups because they all seem to think they're entitled to their input on the raising of your own child. They offer tips about potty training and removing the binky even though I haven't asked. I always leave the group feeling like a horrible parent because I didn't do things the "veteran SAHM" way. My son learned how to potty without the use of cheerios and star stickers. He's more excited to go the dollar store every Wednesday than to be rewarded with a star sticker on some paper chart anyway. I feel I should mention though that my son not only memorized the city and state where he lives, but also his grandma's and great-grandma's. He can also recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and understands the definition of photosynthesis. And don't even get him started on the social habits of the Scarlet Macaw; he will talk your ear off! I just want to stand up and scream "Can your 4 year old do that??" But I refrain. I sit there and let them tell me I'm a bad mother because I allow him to have a Wii console in his room. I'm a bad mother because I make him set the dinner table with forks and knives. And even worse, I let him shower alone. Maybe I'm not a bad mother as much as my son is just obviously more mature than your own child. I let him do these things because he is fully capable of such tasks. No one in my family has ever talked to or treated Cameron like he was a baby, which is why he is so mature. But I digress.
Back to the mundane event that is a regular day in my life. I have no problem entertaining and teaching my child while my husband is at work and my friends are out galavanting happily as young, free adults. What I do have a problem with is that no one respects what I do, which is a big part of why I feel ashamed of it. I suppose I'm letting others' remarks and thoughts dictate how I'm supposed to feel. However, no one ever thanks me. No one ever says "Wow, Nicole, you're doing a great job." No one will ever come out of the blue and say "Thank you for giving up a career, a social life, and all adult communication so that you could in turn create your son to be a good example in today's society." That kind of compliment just doesn't exsist for the stay at home mom. Most of my friends understand how things have to be in my daily schedule, and don't make too big a deal that I can't always come out and play. My really good friends even invite Cameron to come along when feasible. I've had problems with making friends in the past because some women don't understand. I've been friends with younger and older women and it's frightening.
The younger chicks, who have no children, can't understand what "No, I can't have another cocktail. I need to wake up at seven to make my son's breakfast" means. Besides, I hate bars. I hate smokey, dim-lit joints where the men are there for chicks and football and the women are there for looking pretty and showing off their new outfit and shoes from that slutty store in the mall. I never get along with these types of women. I'm not sure if it's jealousy (they still have pre-baby bodies and can drink a gallon of beer without gaining an ounce) or if I'm just really not "that" type to hang out, shmooze, and drink. I tried my luck with older women, as well. Through my prior job, I met a lady who was 36 (and I 24). She had two kids, 11 and 15. This chick had advice coming out of her ears, all while her 15 year old snuck out and got her nose pierced with her 19 year old gas attendant boyfriend. Her son wasn't even allowed in her custody and lived in a different state. But nontheless, advice after advice after captain morgan shot after advice. Not cool. This lady could barely keep her own life in order, let alone try to manage mine. I know not all instances are like this and I honestly wish that I could find some great friends or family members who understand what this "lifestyle" is like. And don't get me wrong, I know how to have a good time. I just find, now-a-days, that there is a time and place for everything.
I get a lot of flack from working moms, also. The women I used to work with write me e-mails and ask if I'm hanging in there. What exactly that means, I don't know. For some reason, women find it hard to support other women. They can't come out and say kudos because it might ruin their tough, working mom exterior. They assume that I am no longer productive because I don't punch the clock at 8am. They figure that since I don't waste away my eye-sight computing six-digit numbers on an over-sized computer screen that I've suddenly become uneducated. They forget the girl who was punctual, smart, over-achieving, and thoughtful and now see me as homely, uncultured, and vapid. To be honest, there isn't much difference in a working mom than a SAHM. The only thing we don't have in common is that they are away from home for 8-10 hours and I'm not. But do we not, both, provide food, shelter, and clothing? The money may be different, but in my case, my husband makes enough for us to live quite comfortably for my standards. And just because you have two incomes anyway, doesn't mean you're better off. I've also been in that boat. Two incomes normally means half of one check goes to daycare. We still both love our children and do what's best for them regardless of where we are at 8 in the morning.
Another daunting task for me is to find a good babysitter. Some people say it was my choice to have a baby, so why leave it up to someone else to care for him? First off, a babysitter would never have had to sit in my son's bed allowing him to throw up in my hands because he was too weak to make it to the bathroom. Secondly, a babysitter would never have to pay $700 a month for an A rated Christian preschool so that he recieves a great education. And lastly, the babysitter didn't give birth to my son without any pain medication. That's right, natural birth honey, read 'em and weep. I feel that every mother should have a back-up nanny, ESPECIALLY when they are full-time SAHMs. No one should ever make a mother feel guilty about wanting to spend a little time alone, or out with her hubby or friends. I've heard that insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results each time. Well, why do you think some women go insane? Could you imagine never getting to see the world around you? Insanity is a mother who remains home twenty-four hours a day and not having a social life, and is expected to be happy. I could never make a mother feel guilty for deciding to have fun. We feel enough guilt when we can't afford the newest toy, or have to leave the park early because it's 1,000 degrees outside, or when it's bed time and all they want to do is stay up and watch Ghost Hunters with you (a little shot out to my future GH investigator, Cam). I experience guilt everyday when I can't send my son off to school with his friends yet because he was born 10 days too late. So don't add to my guilt, please.
I guess in the end all I really have to say is that this job is tough. It's lonely but flooded with laughter, thankless yet rewarding, and exhausting but refreshing. I would do anything in my power to make sure that my son has the best life that he possibly can, as we all do. Whether it's by working 40 hours to afford extra Christmas presents or whether it's enriching his life by being able to spend everyday with him, I'm still a mother. I will always be a mother. Nothing I do in life can ever take that way from me, or him. It is a lifetime sentence, but one that I am proud of.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to beat my son in Wii bowling :)
Thank you and goodnight!
I try to befriend "people like me" but I can't even stand to be in mom-groups because they all seem to think they're entitled to their input on the raising of your own child. They offer tips about potty training and removing the binky even though I haven't asked. I always leave the group feeling like a horrible parent because I didn't do things the "veteran SAHM" way. My son learned how to potty without the use of cheerios and star stickers. He's more excited to go the dollar store every Wednesday than to be rewarded with a star sticker on some paper chart anyway. I feel I should mention though that my son not only memorized the city and state where he lives, but also his grandma's and great-grandma's. He can also recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and understands the definition of photosynthesis. And don't even get him started on the social habits of the Scarlet Macaw; he will talk your ear off! I just want to stand up and scream "Can your 4 year old do that??" But I refrain. I sit there and let them tell me I'm a bad mother because I allow him to have a Wii console in his room. I'm a bad mother because I make him set the dinner table with forks and knives. And even worse, I let him shower alone. Maybe I'm not a bad mother as much as my son is just obviously more mature than your own child. I let him do these things because he is fully capable of such tasks. No one in my family has ever talked to or treated Cameron like he was a baby, which is why he is so mature. But I digress.
Back to the mundane event that is a regular day in my life. I have no problem entertaining and teaching my child while my husband is at work and my friends are out galavanting happily as young, free adults. What I do have a problem with is that no one respects what I do, which is a big part of why I feel ashamed of it. I suppose I'm letting others' remarks and thoughts dictate how I'm supposed to feel. However, no one ever thanks me. No one ever says "Wow, Nicole, you're doing a great job." No one will ever come out of the blue and say "Thank you for giving up a career, a social life, and all adult communication so that you could in turn create your son to be a good example in today's society." That kind of compliment just doesn't exsist for the stay at home mom. Most of my friends understand how things have to be in my daily schedule, and don't make too big a deal that I can't always come out and play. My really good friends even invite Cameron to come along when feasible. I've had problems with making friends in the past because some women don't understand. I've been friends with younger and older women and it's frightening.
The younger chicks, who have no children, can't understand what "No, I can't have another cocktail. I need to wake up at seven to make my son's breakfast" means. Besides, I hate bars. I hate smokey, dim-lit joints where the men are there for chicks and football and the women are there for looking pretty and showing off their new outfit and shoes from that slutty store in the mall. I never get along with these types of women. I'm not sure if it's jealousy (they still have pre-baby bodies and can drink a gallon of beer without gaining an ounce) or if I'm just really not "that" type to hang out, shmooze, and drink. I tried my luck with older women, as well. Through my prior job, I met a lady who was 36 (and I 24). She had two kids, 11 and 15. This chick had advice coming out of her ears, all while her 15 year old snuck out and got her nose pierced with her 19 year old gas attendant boyfriend. Her son wasn't even allowed in her custody and lived in a different state. But nontheless, advice after advice after captain morgan shot after advice. Not cool. This lady could barely keep her own life in order, let alone try to manage mine. I know not all instances are like this and I honestly wish that I could find some great friends or family members who understand what this "lifestyle" is like. And don't get me wrong, I know how to have a good time. I just find, now-a-days, that there is a time and place for everything.
I get a lot of flack from working moms, also. The women I used to work with write me e-mails and ask if I'm hanging in there. What exactly that means, I don't know. For some reason, women find it hard to support other women. They can't come out and say kudos because it might ruin their tough, working mom exterior. They assume that I am no longer productive because I don't punch the clock at 8am. They figure that since I don't waste away my eye-sight computing six-digit numbers on an over-sized computer screen that I've suddenly become uneducated. They forget the girl who was punctual, smart, over-achieving, and thoughtful and now see me as homely, uncultured, and vapid. To be honest, there isn't much difference in a working mom than a SAHM. The only thing we don't have in common is that they are away from home for 8-10 hours and I'm not. But do we not, both, provide food, shelter, and clothing? The money may be different, but in my case, my husband makes enough for us to live quite comfortably for my standards. And just because you have two incomes anyway, doesn't mean you're better off. I've also been in that boat. Two incomes normally means half of one check goes to daycare. We still both love our children and do what's best for them regardless of where we are at 8 in the morning.
Another daunting task for me is to find a good babysitter. Some people say it was my choice to have a baby, so why leave it up to someone else to care for him? First off, a babysitter would never have had to sit in my son's bed allowing him to throw up in my hands because he was too weak to make it to the bathroom. Secondly, a babysitter would never have to pay $700 a month for an A rated Christian preschool so that he recieves a great education. And lastly, the babysitter didn't give birth to my son without any pain medication. That's right, natural birth honey, read 'em and weep. I feel that every mother should have a back-up nanny, ESPECIALLY when they are full-time SAHMs. No one should ever make a mother feel guilty about wanting to spend a little time alone, or out with her hubby or friends. I've heard that insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results each time. Well, why do you think some women go insane? Could you imagine never getting to see the world around you? Insanity is a mother who remains home twenty-four hours a day and not having a social life, and is expected to be happy. I could never make a mother feel guilty for deciding to have fun. We feel enough guilt when we can't afford the newest toy, or have to leave the park early because it's 1,000 degrees outside, or when it's bed time and all they want to do is stay up and watch Ghost Hunters with you (a little shot out to my future GH investigator, Cam). I experience guilt everyday when I can't send my son off to school with his friends yet because he was born 10 days too late. So don't add to my guilt, please.
I guess in the end all I really have to say is that this job is tough. It's lonely but flooded with laughter, thankless yet rewarding, and exhausting but refreshing. I would do anything in my power to make sure that my son has the best life that he possibly can, as we all do. Whether it's by working 40 hours to afford extra Christmas presents or whether it's enriching his life by being able to spend everyday with him, I'm still a mother. I will always be a mother. Nothing I do in life can ever take that way from me, or him. It is a lifetime sentence, but one that I am proud of.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to beat my son in Wii bowling :)
Thank you and goodnight!
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